Darren Waller’s autotuned vomit is the worst athlete song of all time

I am so sorry to be putting this onto your screens. Making you aware of its existence. There’s some very real, legitimate guilt I have in writing this knowing that I’m about to further the knowledge of Darren Waller’s song — but here we are.

On Thursday it came to light that Waller released a song about his divorce from Kelsey Plum of the Las Vegas Aces, a marriage that lasted 13 months. I promise you’re not ready for this.

Evidently there isn’t enough autotune on planet earth to try and correct Waller’s voice — but I’ll be damned if they didn’t try. This isn’t a stylistic choice, it’s like Rebecca Black’s “Friday” on steroids.

I’m not going to slam Waller for being in tough with his emotions and trying to talk about it. That’s actually healthy. What’s not healthy is hiring a fake Kelsey Plum for your music video — especially someone who doesn’t look remotely like Kelsey Plum.

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I’ve seen people say that this sounds like Post Malone. No. Just no. Unless you mean post-Malone, like after Malone.

Darren Waller’s song is like someone tried to sound like Karl Malone mixed with Michael Malone, but put through a Bugzy Malone filter — then that data was fed into a computer and told to sing it in the style of Post Malone.

Sorry about the divorce. Congrats on the song … I guess.

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