The Remmys Journalism Honors: Hitler the Comedian, Beyoncé the Cowgirl, and Prince Harry the Contusion

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In recognizing the dregs of press unprofessionalism, journalistic sloth, and generally deserved media mockery, we have created “The Golden Remington Awards,” a nod to the olden days when hard-scrabble hacks committed actual journalism and hammered out dispatches on those hefty wordsmith devices. With an eye to that past of muckraking reporting and shoe leather investigation, we acknowledge those who fail today in an audacious fashion.

These are the inauspicious nominations, in several categories, for this year’s Remmys.

Distinguished Editorial Writing

“Willkommen everyone to the Hutte zum Lachen! Please partake in the 2-Reisling-minimum, as you enjoy the comedy stylings of – Der Fuhrer!”

The press has clearly entered the desperation phase of the upcoming election, and the efforts to paint Donald Trump as a Nazi are not abating. The latest effort comes from Politico, where the following piece of evidence has been discovered. Trump tells jokes when he is giving his speeches – just like other authoritarians! Kruse speaks with a number of historians who detail how the likes of Mussolini, Stalin, and Hitler were known to rely on humor at times. 

(Look at any archival footage of a Hitler speech; his shouting and banging on the podium is far closer to Biden’s recent State of the Union address.)

Yes, that Hitler – so widely regarded as a jokester!

[taps microphone] “When people ask what I’d like for dinner I tell them, I will eat just about anything – But…not Sea Food!”

Distinguished Cultural Criticism

Ms. Yahr is the designated entertainment reporter at WaPo, and she appears intent on rooting out racism in the country music industry, whether or not it is actually found there. Last summer, she feigned being upset when Luke Combs dared to cover the song, “Fast Car”, by singer Tracy Chapman, who is black. That Ms. Chapman was in full agreement with Combs recording her song, and profited greatly from its success, were inconsequential to the problematics supposedly at play.

Now for her latest, neutered gripe-fest, Yahr declares that Beyoncé releasing a country music album would be a challenge for stations and listeners. She cited one instance of a station allegedly balking at the first single; it turned out the manager at the time simply said as a country station they do not play Beyoncé’s music, and only learned later from the music label making an announcement she was releasing her debut country music single that day.

As for the stations and fans grappling with a black singer (much like Darius Rucker, Cowboy Troy, etc.), Beyoncé’s “Texas Hold ‘Em” has been the number-one song on country radio for weeks.

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

It was recently spotted that President Biden had been seen wearing not the usual dress loafers when toddling around the White House or boarding Air Force-1, but what appeared to be black athletic shoes, with a notably wider sole. This was believed to have been done to help with his stability, and Les Trent was on the case. The intrepid reporter pinned down what brand of footwear it was, and he delivered a report on their details, even sporting a pair himself for his report.

Distinguished Investigative Reporting

Not to be judgmental, but we just have to question the need to reclassify something that has been in the norm for…well, forever. Ms. Bauman was seeking to become pregnant. She had no current partner but was desiring to raise her own child, so she sought out suitable men she felt would be ideal for her plan. This is all very straightforward and, while maybe somewhat untraditional, not at all shocking or novel. Women have been doing this sort of thing for some time.

But she has declared that a woman getting pregnant outside the confines of a relationship or – as she describes in her piece – basically sleeping around is something else entirely.

  • Single women and LGBTQ+ couples are increasingly pursuing pregnancy via known donors, people they find on the internet, in Facebook groups and through dating-like apps. Many find decent men who will get them pregnant for little-to-no-cost. It’s also a place where men go for easy sex.

Now again, there is no judgment here, but we do question the need to dress up what are frequently casual physical hookups, by describing these with terms like “freelance sperm donation,” “off-the-grid-insemination,” and “the unregulated sperm market.”

Distinguished Local Reporting

At The City Museum, in St. Louis, a global accomplishment was achieved. An adjudicator from the Guinness records division was on hand to verify whether or not a new standard had been established in a trenchant social category. The assembled crowd rejoiced as they had intended to honor Pi Day (3.14) by having a crowd of 314 people participating to set a new landmark, and they exceeded that goal by 41. The adjudicator’s judgment? The event was a success.

They had achieved 355 people wearing a pair of underwear on their heads at once. The primary motivation for this was the museum had once been the holder of the record for the largest pair of underwear, but that threshold had been exceeded years ago, so it appears they desired to reach a new undergarment record.

The New York Post Headline Writing Medal 

With this report about a rockslide that closed a roadway in Idaho with massive natural debris, one headline writer managed to slide a wry bit of commentary into the report.  This was, in fact, a nod to another headline that went viral in 2020, but that they got away with it is warrant enough for recognition. It reads: “Boulder the size of a large boulder removed after blocking Highway 21.

Distinguished Sports Reporting

In a way, this is a perfect kind of report typifying the contemporary media. 

Is it a ridiculous claim in a story? Yes.

Is it largely unconfirmed by a lack of diligent investigation? Yes.

Is it entirely possible that this needed to be reported on a deadline before verifying anything in it was true and accurate? Absolutely.

For these reasons alone, this asinine report of a soccer player seeing the face of Prince Harry in a bruise on his thigh, and it finding its way into publication, warrants a nomination.

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