The Wizards might be the funniest sports team of all time

The Washington Wizards are perfect. No, not in the way we traditionally value sports teams for their athletic ability, teamwork, or beauty of the game. The Wizards are more like a Hallmark Christmas movie or a low-budget horror film — must-watch programming for their absurdity alone.

There is nothing about the 2023-24 Wizards that resembles a “team” in the traditional sense. The franchise kicked off a rebuild after years of struggling as a veteran team, trading away Kristaps Porzingis and Bradley Beal, before flipping Chris Paul in another deal. We knew this team wasn’t going to be great — and that’s okay because it’s about building for the future. What the Wizards are though is FUN, no matter what the result.

Every night Washington puts a loose conglomerate of individuals on the court who happen to be playing the same sport, at the same time, wearing the same uniforms — it’s the closest thing to pickup basketball we’ve seen in the NBA.

That’s not to say the Wizards are selfish, because they’re really not. Washington ranks 5th in the NBA in total assists. What makes this team special is they’re absolutely against anything in basketball that isn’t fun. If it requires work, the Wizards ain’t doing it.

  • Shooting? FUN! The Wizards are 2nd in the NBA in field goals attempted
  • Rebounding? Not fun. They’re 30th in rebounding
  • Threes? FUN! They’re 14th in 3PA
  • Defense? Not fun. Washington are last in the NBA in points allowed
  • Pace? FUN! They lead the NBA in possessions
  • Free throws? Not fun. They’re 27th in FT%

We often lionize teams who “do the little things right,” but Washington just chooses not to do them at all. If it’s not flashy there’s no interest, which leads us to the nexus of it all: Jordan Poole.

Poole is this team’s beating heart of nonsensical madness. If every Michael Jordan gave was worth watching to see something spectacular, then every Poole game is worth it for other reasons.

What makes the Wizards endearing if their pure, unabashed confidence — even if there’s no real basis to it. Neither Kyle Kuzma nor Jordan Poole are knock-down shooters from the perimeter, but damn it if they aren’t going to combine to shoot 13.7 of them a game and miss 8 of them.

On Monday night the Wizards faced the Sixers, and honestly guarding Joel Embiid was too much work for them — so they decided not to.

Do you have any appreciation for how difficult it is to set a scoring record as a member of the 76ers? This team had WILT-FREAKING-CHAMBERLAIN ON IT and the Wizards still helped Embiid make history.

There’s this thing in the South where people say “bless their heart” as a dig. It’s not overtly mean, but it’s definitely a polite way of saying someone is dumb in a way that asks for divine grace and patience. When it comes to the Wizards, bless their hearts. I love them so much because of how absurd them are.

Will they win a lot of games? No. Will they pull off a few surprising wins this season? Sure. This team is not bad in a way that makes them putrid and unwatchable. They’re so bad it’s good. The Wizards are chaos in its purest, most unhinged form — and it’s must-watch basketball.

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